Embracing Impermanence in Eating Disorder Recovery: A Buddhist-Informed Perspective for Queer Folks7/2/2025
 I first encountered Zen Buddhism almost a decade ago, but it wasn’t until I lived in a monastic community in Santa Fe, New Mexico that I really understood what it meant to sit with impermanence. For a year and a half, I spent my days in silence, staring at a wall with my eyes open, noticing how everything shifted - light moving across the floor, breath changing in its depth, birdsong coming and going. That time left an impact on me, and it still shapes how I show up in the world, especially in my work with folks navigating eating disorder recovery.
Zen Buddhism doesn’t offer quick fixes or neat answers, but it teaches us to be comfortable in the stillness. We learn to notice the small changes, and to trust that no matter how sharp, painful, or disorienting any experience is, it's going to change. Even when things feel overwhelming, we can look to physics, nature, and the world around us, to know that things are ever-changing and transforming. For me, that truth has become one of the most supportive tools I bring into sessions with clients. How Is Impermanence Relevant to Eating Disorder Recovery? Impermanence is not something that’s often spoken about in eating disorder recovery, but it’s a concept that underpins so much of the healing process I see in my clients’ experience. One of the hardest things about recovery, especially in a body that’s been at war with itself, can be the belief that the current state of things is forever. That the way you feel after a meal, the anxiety of trying something new or the discomfort in your skin will always be this way. But it won’t. That’s not how any of this works. In Buddhism, impermanence is one of the core truths of being alive. Everything moves. Everything changes. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. And when we start to notice even the tiniest shifts, that’s when we start building trust that we’re capable of moving through things. Sitting Still to Witness Change In Zen meditation (zazen), we sit still with eyes open to allow us to stay with what’s happening around us. That might sound simple, but when your mind is loud, your emotions are intense, or your body feels like a battleground, it can be very challenging. However, the more you stay, the more you realize that nothing stays the same. That each time you take a breath, something changes slightly. It might not be an enormous shift and you may not suddenly feel okay, but it’s a change and that’s what provides us with hope. You may notice yourself getting tired, you may become aware of an ache in your body, you might see the sun move across the wall. Sitting still in the moment teaches us that change is always happening, even if it's subtle. And when we bring that lens into recovery, it becomes a powerful way to relate to discomfort, urges, shame, and fear. How Impermanence Shows Up in Client Sessions I’ve had sessions where someone comes in feeling completely overwhelmed. Whilst that can be a difficult place to be, I never try to fix it right away. Instead, I encourage my clients to pause, notice, and at some point, when we’re not realising it, something shifts. Not everything, but enough to make space and to recognise the change. Enough to recognise that this moment is hard, but it’s not forever. A really important thing to note is that it’s not about denying what’s real. Instead, it’s about reminding ourselves that what’s real right now won’t always feel the same. That if we take time to recognise what’s going on, to dig deeper and to commit to supporting ourselves, things will become more bearable. Small Shifts Are Still Shifts I often say, if you were overwhelmed when the session started and now you feel 2% less overwhelmed, that matters. Our bodies and emotions are not static, which means there's always a possibility for change. It also helps in moments of intense physical discomfort. If you’re feeling uncomfortable in a certain outfit or bloated after a meal, it’s worth naming that discomfort while also wondering if you can gently shift your focus. Maybe you can focus on the world around you or a memory from a happy time. Not forever, just for this moment. Then come back and check in later and see what’s changed to remind yourself nothing lasts forever. Final Thoughts Impermanence isn’t about only having positive thoughts or pretending things don’t hurt. Eating disorder recovery is challenging, and there will be both good and bad days. It’s not about telling yourself to “just wait it out”, but about holding space for the fact that things can change, and that you are already changing. This path isn’t easy. But it’s real. And if you're here, reading this, you’re already in motion and I’m so pleased to have you with me. If you’re looking for support that makes room for nuance, for change, for the messiness of being human in a world that demands perfection, I’m here. Feel free to drop me a message [here].  For many queer, trans, and gender-diverse people, Pride is not just a celebration, it’s a reclamation.
Pride didn’t begin with parades or flags, but instead as a form of resistance. The first Pride was a riot, a collective response to police violence at Stonewall, where queer and trans people fought back against a world that tried to erase them. They weren’t just demanding rights; they were asserting their right to exist in joy, in safety, and in their own bodies. That act of defiance lives on in us. We live in a world that often makes it unsafe to be fully ourselves; to love openly, to dress as we please, to walk down the street without fear. In that context, Pride is not a frivolous event. It is an embodied act of survival. It is protest, community, joy, and a reminder of the freedom we and those before us have fought for. Lineage, Trauma, and Healing For some of us, the idea of “lineage” can feel distant, or even painful. Maybe you come from a family where queerness wasn’t accepted. Maybe you carry ancestral trauma, or you're part of a lineage shaped by silence, disordered eating, and shame. When trauma runs deep in families, especially when it’s tied to bodies, food, and identity, the idea of looking back can be overwhelming. And yet, lineage doesn’t only mean blood. It also means legacy, the people who came before us and created space when there was none. The queer elders, the trans ancestors, the people who fought, resisted, and imagined freer worlds. We walk in their footsteps and I believe it is important that we remember this during pride. There is a lineage of healing, too. As someone learning to do this work, personally and professionally, I’m guided by others who’ve walked this path before me. Their teachings, their tenderness, their courage — they reach across time like a warm hand to a warm hand. In Buddhism, this concept of "warm hand to warm hand" honors the passing of wisdom from one person to the next. Pride, in its own way, is part of that transmission. A reminder that we’re never doing this alone. Embodied Pride Is Still Resistance Earlier today, I went to a small Pride march in my town. It reminded me of something essential: Pride has always been rooted in activism. Even when it’s joyful, even when it’s quiet. Even when it's just showing up, in your body, in your truth, in a space that once felt unsafe - that is the resistance and embodiment of pride. And embodiment isn’t just about visibility. It’s about feeling pride in your skin, in your body, even if you’re still learning how to be there. It’s about honoring the very thing that allows you to feel delight, sensuality, intimacy, and connection. In a world that is constantly telling us our bodies are wrong, simply feeling the aliveness of our bodies is truly revolutionary! Joy Is a Radical Act I want to remind you right now that you are completely deserving of joy. You deserve to feel good in your body. Not because it looks a certain way, not because it “passes,” but because you are alive, and your body is yours. And if joy feels far away right now? That’s okay. There’s no right way to “do” Pride. You don’t have to show up at a parade. You don’t need glitter or flags or speeches. You just need to remember that you are part of something bigger — a network of care, of resistance, of becoming. The anger we face? The backlash, the hate, the systemic violence? That’s because our power is real. Our ability to imagine different ways of living, loving, and relating to our bodies threatens the structures that try to control us. Don’t forget how powerful you are. If You’re Reading This… Whether Pride feels expansive, painful, confusing, or sacred to you — you are welcome here. This is a reminder that you are not alone. You are part of a long, rich, comlex lineage of people who refused to disappear. Who carved out space for themselves — and now, for you. So this Pride, I hope you find small pockets of joy. I hope you feel your body as a place you can return to, even if only for a moment. I hope you remember that taking up space — as your full, beautiful self — is enough. And I hope you hold onto this truth: You come from a legacy of survivors, dreamers, and healers. And you — exactly as you are — carry that legacy forward.  “When we can pull from videos useful tips that make eating easier or more pleasurable or more varied, I'm all for that. But if it doesn't serve a kinder, more useful, or more expansive view of ourselves and our bodies, it's probably not worth watching.”
Click the image to read more!  Eating disorders are among the most complex and challenging mental health conditions to treat. Recovery is not simply about changing behaviors (like eating more or bingeing less) it requires deep healing across biological, psychological, and social dimensions. For clinicians, loved ones, and individuals navigating this path, understanding the complexity of EDs can foster compassion and patience.
1. Early Onset and Disguised Behaviors Eating disorders often begin during childhood or adolescence, a critical period when the brain is still developing. Research indicates that eating disorders can emerge as early as age 10, embedding disordered behaviors into the neural architecture during formative years. As food and movement are something we engage in from birth, it’s no wonder that difficulties arise early. Additionally, while other substances or harmful activities can be entirely avoided (as per the abstinence model of sobriety) - food is essential for survival. This necessity means individuals must continually consume, engage with, think about and plan for the thing that is most fraught for them. Navigating this reality amounts to continued activation and exposure to distressing thoughts, environments and circumstances. Defining recovery from an eating disorder is nuanced: disordered thoughts and behaviors vary widely between individuals and are often disguised as ‘healthy’ habits. These can look so different from one person to the next and can often be masked by seemingly “healthy” behaviors, making visibility uniquely challenging. Recovery, then, requires a deep level of commitment and self-honesty. 2. Societal Reinforcement and Cultural Pressures In today’s culture, it’s no surprise that disordered eating is on the rise. With the influence of social media, photo editing, and curated highlight reels, we’re bombarded with narrow body ideals that often promote restrictive eating (both in amount of food or in type of food) as a sign of discipline or worth. Whether unintentionally—or driven by the profits of the diet industry—this environment validates disordered behaviors. Praise for weight loss or “clean eating” can mask the warning signs of an eating disorder, reinforcing these habits as a source of identity and affirmation. Additionally, our culture’s continual degradation of fat bodies, disabled bodies and queer/trans bodies (just to name a few) can further separate someone’s sense of safety in the world from their embodied experience. Stepping away from our socially sanctioned disordered ways of both eating and viewing bodies can therefore feel a bit like leaving a cult, bringing with it similar questions about meaning and identity: Who am I without the structure of my food rituals? How does my body changing affect the way I interact with the world and the way it responds to me? What will I focus on if not food? There’s also a cultural tipping point—where what was once glorified suddenly becomes “too much.” But even as we critique extremes, we still celebrate celebrity diets and shrinking bodies, shifting the line of what's acceptable rather than challenging the obsession itself. This constant reinforcement delays recognition and makes recovery feel like swimming against the current—not just personally, but socially. 3. Widespread Physiological Disruption Eating disorders can have widespread effects on the body, with consequences impacting nearly every system in the body. Some of these ramifications may include:
These physiological changes can create a feedback loop, where the body's stress responses reinforce disordered behaviors, making recovery more arduous. For example, disrupted hunger and fullness cues make it harder to trust bodily signals. A slowed metabolism and altered neurochemistry can alter hunger signals, meaning that eating more feels unnatural and guilt-inducing. When these systems have adapted to long-term restriction, bingeing, or purging, they don't simply reset overnight, therefore recovery often feels worse before it feels better. This can be confusing and overwhelming, making individuals question the recovery process. 4. Trauma and the Search for Safety There’s a strong link between trauma and eating disorders. For many, disordered eating begins as a physiological and psychological method of coping with overwhelming emotions – shielding the brain and body from unsafe experiences. Behaviors like restricting, bingeing, or purging can numb distress, offer predictability, and create a sense of calm. Over time, the eating disorder becomes not just a coping mechanism, but a full physical, mental and emotional process. One that is woven through a person’s days, weeks, months and years. It becomes a way of life. This makes recovery especially difficult, because letting go can feel like losing the very thing that helped you survive. This also demonstrates why recovery must be trauma-informed: recognizing that healing involves not just changing eating behaviors, but also restoring a sense of safety in both body and mind. Moving Forward with Compassion Understanding eating disorders as deeply complex helps us approach recovery with the patience and compassion it truly requires. Eating disorders aren’t just about food; they serve a profound purpose, offering our younger selves a sense of agency, safety, and emotional regulation. Recovery means gently uncovering the role disordered eating has played in your life, all while developing insights and tools to help you navigate living in a different way. Recovery takes time, support, and a willingness to feel what the ED may have helped you avoid such as shame, fear, panic or grief. It involves both physical healing and emotional work: rebuilding trust in your body and reconnecting with vulnerable parts of yourself. Support then, requires seeing the whole picture and meeting the healing process with patience and compassion. It’s not about perfection. It’s about moving toward a life where you no longer need the eating disorder to feel okay. Note: This blog post is intended for informational purposes and should not replace professional medical advice.  For many trans and gender-diverse folks, the relationship with food and body isn’t just about appearance, it’s about survival, safety, and finding a way to feel at home in ourselves. That’s why eating disorders show up more often in our community. Not because there’s something wrong with us, but because we live in a world that often makes it hard to exist as we are. Research backs this up: trans and gender-diverse people are 2 to 4 times more likely to experience ED symptoms than cisgender people (Diemer et al., 2015). A recent meta-analysis found that 17.7% of trans men and trans women meet criteria for an ED (Rasmussen et al., 2023), and in a student sample, 17.6% of gender-diverse people had a diagnosed ED, compared to 1.8% of cis women and 0.2% of cis men (Duffy et al., 2019). These aren’t small differences, they point to a deeper truth about how we cope, survive, and navigate systems that weren’t made for us. Body Dysmorphia vs Gender Dysphoria Let’s start with a distinction that’s often misunderstood. Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition where someone fixates on a perceived flaw in their appearance. Gender dysphoria, on the other hand, is the distress that comes from the mismatch between their gender identity and how their body looks or is perceived by others. When access to gender-affirming care (like hormones, top surgery, or facial surgery) is limited by cost, gatekeeping, or legal barriers, folks may turn to food, restriction, or exercise as tools to make their body feel more aligned to their gender. One study found that this is a common reason people in our community engage in disordered eating - not to pursue a societal beauty standard, but to feel more like themselves (Austin et al., 2023). Using Food as a Way to Cope Many folks from our community carry trauma from being bullied, rejected by family, misgendered, denied healthcare, or simply navigating the world while trans. And when that trauma gets bottled up, when dysphoria builds and there’s no outlet, sometimes it feels like the only way to regulate is through food. Research shows that disordered eating can feel like the only available tool for coping when you can’t safely or affordably access affirming care (Connolly et al., 2021). For those who feel their body misaligns with their gender, it’s not always about wanting to be thin. I It could be about flattening their chest, delaying or reducing their curves, or making themselves smaller or larger just to feel safer in public. “Passing” Provides Safety and Pressure Let’s be real: in a world that’s often hostile to trans people, “passing” can offer protection. Being read as your true gender can mean fewer stares, less misgendering, and lower risk of violence. But it can also come with intense pressure to conform to cisnormative beauty standards like being thin, having certain body shapes, or hiding features that don’t match our gender identity. Ultimately, it means not necessarily presenting in a way that feels authentic due to body ideals. This pressure to conform, to pass, to fit a mold, to be “believable,” explains why some individuals may develop eating disorders and other mental health conditions because of passing. On the one hand it provides safety, but on the other the overwhelm of unattainable beauty standards, trans or not, can be devastating. Understanding Intersectionality There’s no single trans experience or way that eating disorders show up. Your race, where you live, your class, disability, community access, all of these intersect to shape how you experience dysphoria, stigma, and eating. Eating disorders don’t exist in isolation, and they don’t discriminate. They’re part of a bigger picture. Therefore, while we understand that eating disorders may be more prevalent in trans individuals, understanding that the cause of their ED is not simply because they are trans is essential. When the ED Feels Like the Only Way to Be in Your Body If you’re using food or body changes to cope - you’re not alone. Sometimes, an eating disorder can feel like the only way to be in your body when surgery isn’t an option, hormones are inaccessible, or the world doesn’t let you exist as you are. Particularly at the moment, when our community is being actively and aggressively discriminated against. However, I want to remind you that you are worthy of love, nourishment and to exist just as you are. In that sense, that’s why harm reduction is so important. Healing doesn’t have to mean jumping straight to full recovery. It might start with learning how to respect your body as it is, creating environments that encourage you do to do, and engaging in community that empower you to thrive. Not because you’re supposed to love it right away, but because you are a living, breathing human who deserves care, no matter what. And if there’s resistance within? That’s okay too. You’re allowed to feel conflicted. However, exploring that and understanding your internal critics concerns is key to moving forward. The Beauty of Trans and Queer Embodiment Something I just wanted to note before I end this blog is how proud I am to be part of this community. Here’s the thing - our bodies, our genders, our lives don’t follow rules. We’re fluid, we’re expansive, we question, we transform. And that’s something to be celebrated. Trans and gender-diverse people embody a different kind of wisdom. One that asks: What does it mean to feel at home in yourself? How do we live differently in bodies that the world tries to shape for us? These are powerful, radical questions. They challenge a system that profits off rigid ideals and binary thinking. Yes, eating disorders are more common in our communities. But that’s not the end of the story. We’re also some of the most adaptive, creative, resilient people out there. We know how to live in the in-between, that place between survival and authenticity. We know how to hold change, step into the unknown, and rebuild ourselves again and again. Instead of focusing only on what’s wrong, let’s uplift what’s working: our capacity for change, our deep self-reflection, our refusal to be boxed in. These aren’t symptoms, they’re strengths. If You’re Reading This… Whether you’re trans, nonbinary, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum, or you’re here to better understand and support someone you love, know this: you are not alone. Your body deserves safety, care, and respect. And healing doesn’t mean conforming, it means finding your own path to being more whole. If you’re struggling, reach out to someone you trust. And if that’s not an option yet, know that there are folks out here rooting for you. We see you.  When you're navigating recovery from disordered eating, the idea of complete freedom from your eating disorder can feel overwhelming. Without the eating disorder, you might fear losing the clarity of rules that made things feel predictable. While recovery can mean freedom, diving straight into the deep end can often feel too much - and result in running back to past behaviors for safety.
So, it might sound strange when I say this: a consistent meal and snack structure can be liberating - when it's offered as a container, rather than an inflexible rule book you cannot divert from. A container is not one-size-fits-all. It’s not a restriction. It's a supportive shape that helps hold what might otherwise feel too big, too chaotic, or too much. Why We Need a Container Without a container, we’re often guided by automatic, engrained behaviors. These can be habits we didn’t consciously choose, but repeat out of familiarity, fear, or survival. Without something new to bump up against, we’re left swimming in a sea of default reactions. A container gives us something to grapple with, something to reflect against. It helps us pause and ask:
A Flexible Framework The container is not meant to be rigid. It has room, capaciousness, for day-to-day fluctuations. For moments that feel hard, for emotions that don’t make sense and behaviors that arise in order to cope. The container doesn't eliminate these parts of you, but rather creates space for understanding them. It makes it possible to get curious, to slow down, to choose something new. It says: “Let’s hold all of this gently, explore it with compassion and understand what’s here”. Interrupting Habit Energy In recovery, you may notice yourself pulled toward familiar patterns, the behaviors which at first helped you feel a sense of autonomy and protection. Over time, these behaviors became ritualistic, unbreakable, and in a lot of cases automatic, often happening without you even realising. This is what I call habit energy — the inertia of long-held coping mechanisms. A container interrupts these behaviors by giving you space to recognize them and offering a steady, compassionate rhythm to return to. It helps the parts of you that want recovery, even if it’s scary and inconsistent, have something to lean on. A way to say, “I want to care for myself, even if that feels unfamiliar.” Building Safety, Not Perfection The beauty of the container is that it moves with you. It doesn’t demand perfection, label you as “good” or “bad” or offer a pass/fail metric. Instead, it offers consistency. Reassurance. A rhythm that your nervous system can begin to trust. Over time, this sense of structure can start to feel like deep safety instead of the brittle numbing offered by restriction. A gentle scaffold helps you show up, again and again, even when recovery feels hard. Facing Ourselves with Courage Recovery isn't just about food or body image. Often this is what it outwardly seems to impact, but it's about being able to cope in moments of profound discomfort: fear, panic, shame, judgement, isolation, confusion, and many more. When we have a container to return to, we can face those difficult moments and be able to hold ourselves without needing to escape entirely. It gives us the space and time we need so that we don’t to face everything at once or feel like we need to do it “right” and right now. We can pause, find comfort, get steady, and then work on what is showing up in a way that supports us moving forward. If you're in recovery or considering it, know this: You don’t need to be perfect to begin. You don’t need to “get it right” to be worthy of care. You just need a safe enough space to explore what’s really going on inside, and that’s exactly what a container can offer.  If you’ve been through eating disorder recovery, you already know what it means to live in a state of survival. You’ve existed in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You’ve ridden the waves of anxiety, helplessness, rage, and grief. You’ve felt disoriented by change and destabilized by the unknown. And now, here we are again. With Trump back in the administration (and with something new and destabilizing seeming to happen every day) the country feels shaky, volatile, and unsafe. For many of my clients in recovery, I’ve seen how this is triggering the same patterns we’ve worked so hard to untangle. The body remembers. The nervous system tightens. The old behaviors tempt us to fall back into old, unhelpful patterns of numbness, disconnection, and giving in. But there’s another F we’ve learned through recovery: Face. In recovery, we learned to face the truth: things had to change. We had to change. We had to stop pretending we were fine and look directly at what was going on inside us, no matter how painful or overwhelming it was. And now, once again, it’s time to face what’s happening in our country. It’s tempting to shut down. To despair. To dissociate. To hide. But you’ve been here before. You’ve done the impossible. You’ve sat with emotions that felt unmanageable. You’ve tolerated discomfort. You’ve made space for uncertainty. You’ve faced what scared you most, and came out stronger on the other side. This is not just about politics. It’s about survival, identity, safety, and truth. And if you’ve navigated recovery, you already have the tools to respond to this moment with clarity, integrity, and care. When the world feels like a trigger Let’s name it: This moment feels destabilizing. There’s a lack of security. A fog of uncertainty. It’s hard to trust the future. That is deeply familiar territory for those in recovery. It can mimic the internal chaos felt when you first tried to let go of disordered behaviors. And just like in recovery, there may be no immediate resolution. No single action that “fixes” the fear. But you don’t need to have all the answers right now, your job is to stay with yourself through it and do what you need to stay connected, well and safe. This isn’t about bypassing your feelings or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about learning to feel without letting things take over. Remember it’s okay to feel all the emotions, whether that’s all at once or in stages. You are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to cry, you are allowed to feel a spectrum of emotions all at once. Maybe you’ll feel numb, maybe you’ll be paralysed with overwhelm. It’s all okay, and it’s all manageable. What matters here is meeting those emotions with compassion – no judgement or expectations, simply making space for yourself and honoring how you feel. So, what now? If we’re being honest, honoring your emotions is one piece of the puzzle, but it can feel difficult to stay level-headed when things are changing rapidly, and what feels like out of your control, around you. So, if the world feels overwhelming right now, here’s what I’d like you to do:
Living through this political era is not easy, especially for those of us who have already fought so hard just to stay alive and present in our own lives. But you are not powerless here. The strength you built in recovery didn’t disappear, it’s right there, inside you, waiting to be used again. The work of facing doesn’t rely on knowing an outcome or that things will turn out “okay” - it is instead a very radical act – one grounded in choosing to show up regardless of the outcome. An act that is inherently hopeful and courageous. Face what is happening. Feel what is real. And then ask yourself: What do I want to do with this? Because you’ve done hard things before. You can do this too. Read This: Well + Good "The XL Way Diet Culture Capitalizes on Gender Roles and Expectations"12/28/2023
 “There is tremendous empowerment to be found in understanding
how rigid ideas about gender and bodies limit us all.” So pleased to be featured in this Well + Good piece alongside other providers and advocates. Click the image to read more!  So honored to be featured on my friend (and amazing therapist) Allyson's, podcast! Click the image to listen on Spotify!
 “I found that using substances...clouded my ability to be present to what I felt—both the good and the bad,” Coakley shares. “It also hindered me from being present with those I love.” They also list all the reflecting you can do while sober. For example, consider how drinking hurts your life, if it’s actually helping in the ways you want it to, and what aspects of your life change.
Super honored to be featured in this piece on the sober-curious movment & its intersection with diet culture alongside fellow RDs Mia Donley & Stephanie Kile. Click the image to read the full piece! |